Busy Sunday

Well.. A brief update before my busy Sunday...
My baby Vionna was 'deposited' at my aunt's place so i could have rest and celebrate my bdae with my dear.. Last minute plans as initially my dear din like the idea of Vionna staying over my aunt's place..

So.. On my bdae, no pictures were taken .. Been a while since i took pictures or taken by dear.. So i met him at amk to walk/shop after Vionna was safely at my aunt's house. Had yummy mos burger and bought some daily neccessities then he headed for class while i went library to get some books on interior design + bb. Thereafter we went ecp for carl's junior and had a seaside stroll. I really enjoyed the seaside stroll as it's been some time since we had a good chat.. So i really liked it.

Then the next day i went back office to pick up some doc and had a great lunch with my colleagues.. Haha.. Miss all the office chatter and gossip.. :p

went home thereafter do up some housework then went mtg with my dear and we went jb to do some grocery shopping. :)
as i could not eat seafood still, we had marrybrown for dinner.. But i think marrybrown has lotsa msg cos both of us were super thirsty thereafter.. -_-''

so.. I had a great birthday this year! :)

now back to my sunday.. Finally can sit and rest.. Haha.. I was trying to keep myself busy so I won't be bored.. So.. I did the following:
wash clothes..
Sweep floor..
Mop floor..
Feed Vionna..
Hang clothes..
Tidy wardrobe..
Bath Vionna..
Feed Vionna..
Wash clothes..
Hang clothes..
Keep clothes..

Haha.. Some chores are so repetitive.. :p
at least keep me busy for like 4 hrs. :)
my dinner was 8 pcs of biscuit till my dear buys food back for me.. Cos i don feel like eating the food downstairs for both lunch + dinner.. -_-''

so my 5th wk of maternity flew past quite fast cos i was travelling ard my mother's + 姑姑's place..

My 6th wk comin.. Will I be bored? I dunno.. Haha.. Pass day by day lor..

Looking forward to my new hse!
Design almost ready! :)

Happy Birthday to me

It's my birthday today... But seems to me that my birthdays has never been smooth.. U ask me to pinpoint exactly I dunno either.. Memory ain't that good.. Few key ones were my dear go holiday on my birthday and my celebrations were nothin much of a fanfare.. Not that i am someone that needs a huge celebration but.. I'm still someone who needs love and attention, not just, 'are u ok?' to brush through..

Recent celebrations for my birthday at Nsrcc chalet and univeral studios seems to show my bdae luck seem to improve but somehow i always get the feeling/notion that my bdae is not for me but more of ensuring pple around me are happy..

Haiz.. Don ask me why.. Cos i dunno..
I only know, my daughter will spend my bdae with me this yr.

How to be appreciative?

Seriously havin lots of thoughts in my head..
How can I guide him to be appreciative and not always be fussy/calculative? There is always 2 sides to a matter, whether u wan to take the positive/negative side. Or rather, have u thought of the whole picture or just that 1 particular puzzle piece only?

Maybe i'm thinkin too much again..

Then again, i hate it, i really HATE it when elders are so kpo over everything, need to ask abt everything that it irritates the hell out of me. If people want you to know, pple will ask u. If people donwan you to know, why u even ask?

If pple want to visit ahma on both sat+sun, why stop them from coming just because of a $1 parkin fee on saturday? Does a visit to elderly need to factor in parkin fees? Visitin elderly is based on fillial piety and not convenience/fees. Super pissed off over the mentality of this matter. Yet HE complains they only come a while for visitin, has he ever reflected he's the cause of that? HE thinks he knows it all, HE thinks he's the best child, HE thinks he knows best for everyone.

But i would say HE IS WRONG. HE has caused much displeasure in the family. If HE does not change his thinking, he'll just be forcing everyone to stay away from him.

Choices

Stayin at home all day long is seriously not healthy.. Esp stayin in a room only.. Whole day long, i'm confined to the bed, u say u had to endure that for 7 years when i was workin then.. have you ever wondered that was by choice?
Choice of whether to work 2 jobs like now.
Choice of whether to coop in your room.
Choice of being dependent.
Choice of makin decisions.

Well,
I chose to stand by you through our toughest times.
I chose to be with you despite knowing your environment.
I chose to believe you will build our new home together.
I chose to do more paranoid prevention to protect our daughter from harm.

Choices.. No one choice is right/wrong..
No one is forever right, we all have to learn to observe our surroundings and plan for future before makin a choice/decision.

Choices can never please everyone. We are bound to make someone unhappy. But what can we do? We just have to make sure choices that we make is of the best solution out of current situations.

My last day of confinement

Well, it is the last day of my confinement..
Though i've been complaining of the downside of being cooped in the hse, I've enjoyed the bliss of motherly love from my aunt. The help and love that she gave to me and my family is indeed priceless.

Somehow it reflects how impt it is for a baby/child to grow up in an environment of system and love. Comparing my hubby and I is a good example already. My parents and his parents are almost pole opposites and that's how his family living environment is opposite of mine.

From young, I have to learn how to take care of my younger brothers, clean after myself, and not take my mother for granted for the daily chores.. So i compensate by always bringin my mother out for shoppin, dining, errands, etc.
When i entered school, i was given the freedom of choice to decide which school / course to take and not be influenced.
When i started work, i was told to work smart and make my own career choice.
When i started dating, i was told who i date is my own choice
When i got married, i was told i decide my own fate.
When i have a child, i was told not to worry as help is around the corner.
These are the love i received during my growin up years that moulded me to who I am.

And I'm truly grateful for my parents and family. Without them, there would not be me.

The taste of fresh air!

For the first time of my life, the taste of fresh air is so good!!!! After being confined for my confinement, the joy of shoppin/strollin with my dear is soooooo good!!!!

Really enjoyed snuggling his hand and walkin carefree ard places.. He kept sayin i look pale but i guess i was just enjoyin the freedom of being away from bb and room. Somehow maybe i'm still not used to it.. Enterin the hse and seeing baby makes my breathin slightly heavier with responsibilities..

My dear asked if it would be possible for my mother to look after yuanxin at our hse when we go back to work.. I know my mother will not be able to come here cos she has her own hse to take care and of cos she feel more comfy at her 'territory'..

It's not goin to be easy but i guess we just have to temporarily put yuanxin at my ma's place on weekdays and bring her back on weekends.. Until our own hse is ready, i'll continue to source for available options like day-in nannies / nearby nannies or gugu to permanently take care of yuanxin?

We don have any answer yet, but we'll do step by step i guess. Who knows, maybe miracle happen, strike 4d / toto then can work from home in future le. Till time comes.. I think i just have to stick to learnin trading to make some side income first.

Another 5 more days!!! :)

5 more days!
And i'll regain my freedom and can be myself already! I can't wait to go out and breathe some commercial air, take the horrible train and do window shopping, do pedicure! :)

maybe i'm so used to being carefree, that now i have an extra responsibility to take care, still adjusting to it too.. Haiz.. Today my dear gave me such a tempting thought that makes me wonder if i should execute... Haa..

He ask me to return to work early since i'm bored at home. My eyes were full of joy! Haha.. Not that i'm a workaholic, but the taste of freedom is just soooo precious.. Feel like 'depositing' my princess to my mother on weekdays and bring her back on weekends only..
:p

not easy to face my daughter 24/7 for the past 1 mth.. Being a mother is not easy.. Now i know why mother's day is so big as compared to father's day.. Haha...

i also found out today that my mother used to work all day and let my gugu look after me when i was an infant.. And i totally dunno about that, so really got to ask my gugu and ma how they did it.. Cos i'm quite attached to my mother still... Haha..

Also found out, my dad always shuffle me and my sis when we were younger to my grandma hse when he and my ma work. Haha.. Sensing some pattern to repeat soon.. :p

also feel that my gugu is very 伟大, cos when she was younger, she looked after my sis, me, my 2 cousins, my other 4 cousins and now she still got the love and effort to look after my bb girl... I think if she don agree to look after my 2nd baby for me, i donwan get pregnant le.. Haha...

Somehow, growing up in an environment of love and not grudges make a big difference.. I can see that my hubby grow up in an environment full of grudges and really forced himself to 出人头地 as a NUS graduate. Not that his environment is bad/good, but somehow i guess it made him build up grudges/fence to the people ard him. Thoughts has been instilled into him that caused him to be what he is today, got good got bad lah.. What's done cannot be undone..

I just want to build our happy family together with my hubby on a clean slate, no grudges on anything at all, just a clean new nest to start our lee family.

Towards our future! :)
cheers!

Emotional roller-coaster

Being a mother is really huge responsibility.. So heavy that i cannot really breathe sometimes.. Somehow the benchmark set by my ma and aunt is so high that i really worry i cannot reach the standard..

What my dear says is true too.. Maybe i'm puttin too much unneccessary stress on myself.. With the bug issue and all.. It will not be easy for me to overcome the issues but i'll take small steps..

Our relationship has been strained because of hygiene issues.. I know my dear also takin small steps to tidy up his stuff, so i guess we're both learning differently..

Baby steps and more communication to keep our love going..

Freakin out..

Until now.. My heart is still thumpin like mad.. The scene of the bug so close to my baby really scared the hell out of me. I was alone in my room with baby and suddenly the bug was on my sleeve reachin my baby... I called for help but no one heard me so i had to stop feedin her and quickly kill the bug.. It was only then i could heave relief..

I only did 2 massage session cos it was too nerve - wreckin for me.. Cos the massage is on the floor, so the itch was killin me so i just had to stop after 2 session. Even until now, i feel as though there's bugs crawlin on me.. :(

dunno is it becos i'm too paranoid or what.. Can feel the mental drain on myself.. Unable to have a good sleep at all since her birth.. Every 15min, i'm either awakened by the itch on my legs/feet.. It's only after 5am then i managed to sleep that few hrs before waking up to feed her again ard 8 and my hubby goes off to work..

My hubby suddenly suggests that i should go back to bukit batok to stay.. But somehow i feel he is at a stage where i know he did not mean it, just saying for the sake of saying only.. So i donwan take his words too seriously otherwise, i might sink into depression again.. Unless he calls up my mum and tell her, i don think i'm moving anywhere.

So i just have to start learnin from 22 aug on how to manage on my own.. I dunno if i can or not .. But i'll try..

Craving to step out of my shell and learnin how to be independent, not to scare myself excessively and manage my fears..

Somehow, it really seems easier to just work all day long than be at home all day long... -_-''

Awoken with fear since 2am

Haiz.. Was awake for the past 40mins or so..
Worry the aircon too cold for my princess so i switched off earlier, thereafter i realise it was gettin humid and the bugs were comin out so i switched the aircon on again..

It scares me suddenly that when there is gustful wind, the bugs might just 'fly' up.. Without gustful, hard for us to sleep.. :(

on the floor, i see big ones, on my bed, i see small ones.. Haiz.. I fear the small ones cos i cannot see well at night at times in my panick to attend to my princess..

So i can only hope.. That as what he says, that the bugs will not touch my princess.

Goin to try to sleep now.. Which i should wake up in 2 hrs time to feed my princess..

My 2 most impt people

Well.. It has not been easy for me.. Been a roller coaster ride i would say.. My life has turn topsy turvy since the birth of my princess.
Looking at them sleepin gives me a priceless feeling that at the end of the day.. All will be worth it..

People might wonder why i chose to marry Jason.. They might only see his flaws but to me, those flaws are endearing.. His stubborness to ensure things are together, not that i agree with all things that he do, but it's the effort taken. I might have given him the feeling that what he does is not enough, but that was never my thought.. I always appreciate what he does and just hope he take 1 step further and maintain it. Afterall, doesn't mean u pass One level u will pass all, it's the constant effort. And 1 aspect that i must stress, is personal hygiene that he needs to work on. His table, since shiftin to the other room, has never bee tidied.. Haiz..
Not that i donwan to tidy but i can't for now.. Not sure if i have energy in future lookin after 1 big and small baby, but i'll do my best. :)

my princess has gave me much joy and laughter + sadness too.. i guess that is all part of being a newbie parent .. Same goes for my hubby.. I guess being a first time father has also made him more anxious and stressed too..

True that i come from a better family as compared to my hubby and my parents would like me to be happy with him too.. I guess the shock to them was too much that i was living in such a condition and their granddaughter would be too... Them being 1st time grandparents, i guess they over-jumped their boundaries too..

My dear misinterpreted their good intentions and hated me for a period of time, though i was angry and sad (i was under depression), and our communication was cut and barrier built.. I hope my dear learn that no matter what others say, we have a choice as to how our daughter is brought up. I may have been influenced heavily but it's also cos there is no one else talkin to me! -_-''

doesn't help when he doesn't talk to me abt what goes on during his day and it bores the hell out of me cos i'm stuck in the room. :(

well, all these are stages that we have to go through as new parents.. The ups and downs.. And also importantly, we have to keep our love going, so i'm really lookin forward to our taiwan trip as a couple. :)

i'm also lookin forward to our love nest together, so we can plan for proper storage and all for everything now! :)

Am I not spending time with you?

Suddenly this question pops into my head.. My dear used to ask me this question when he started work.. i replied him 'no' then as i was a workaholic too..

Now this questions hits me quite hard.. I really feel as though i don have a husband today.. A public holiday, i tot we could discuss abt our new hse, our future.. But things turned out otherwise.. He got angry abt me wanting our daughter to stay over at my mother's place and that i'm a bad person in his eyes.. That i'm doing my wife-ly duties.. Not standing by him in times of his need..

Not that i wan to be apart from him but seriously having a child of our own, i din expect so much to be involved.. I think he didn't either. We both tot too simple.. I'm just torn between motherly instincts and my wife-ly duties..

He claims that it is becos i cannot take hardship.. But has he wondered.. If i cannot take hardship, i will not have married him the first place knowing the hse condition, i will not have gotten pregnant either.. Now that reality hits me so hard, i cannot help but feel that I'm at a lost..

Am i asking too much or am i just useless?

Nowadays, to talk to him is so hard.. Cos i cry easily so its hard for him too..

Haiz.. What should i do?

15 more days..

15 more days into my confinement and i can move to my bukit batok hse le.. Not that i don like my current location but i seriously feel like a jailbird.. Constantly stuck in a room 24hrs a day, living room not safe and stuffy, kitchen, humid and hot, study room too cluttered and stuffy too..

All these will change end 2011, cos we have our own flat now.. Going through the neccessary paperwork to get my hse.. No more stuffy rooms, no more blocked windows! Welcome space and fresh air!

My dear can finally heave a huge relief now that we get a house.. I can look forward to baking cookies, cakes, friends coming over, etc :)

nowadays, he's working like 24/7, when he's home, he's too tired to do much at all.. Yes, he will help me wash the bottles and all but after much asking.. I don blame him, afterall, he's used to being served and treated like king at home.. But now, we have a princess already.. So i also hope he can help out ard the hse and not just be his old ways..

Just like he always fear that his daughter will be detached from him when we move to bukit batok, i fear for our daughter's health. Not that both of us are unhealthy but each have our set of family history.. So i want our daughter grow up strong and healthy.

He always apologise that he did not do much and it's cos he came from a not-so-perfect home. But that is not an excuse not to give our daughter a complete home. Just like I donwan any stuff toy in our room now, to prevent our daughter from being breathin in dusty stuff and the bug, he still hugs the toys and bring them in the room, knowing i hate that and it increases my fear.

As an adult, bite me nevermind, can he at least think for our daughter, if the bug crawls onto him and he hugs our daughter, she will cry and we might not even know why and worry why she cry.. Why he cannot understand this.. He just thinks that i'm being overprotective abt giving a clean environment to our daughter. For his info, i believe his grandma gave him a clean environment to grow up too.

He can worry abt the bottle teat flow is too fast and will choke our daughter, can't he worry on the overall (basic hygience /toys/bugs) too?

I know he would want our daughter to grow up healthily too so i really hope he bear in mind. If our child is already 7 years old, i will not be so paranoid already. Is precisely our daughter is only 15 days old, without immunity against virus and defenseless..

Maybe i'm brought up in a way that i got to make my own bed, get my own stuff, that somehow it irritates me the way he commands his uncle around, if a task is required, can u ask nicely, i never like to trouble pple to do my stuff..

I know he's tired working outside the whole day, making money to make ends meet so as to achieve early financial freedom. But has he wondered, he's following his parents footsteps.. Busy working and not spending time with me and daughter, once back home, he's too tired to do / say anything..

I'm not making big bucks like him so i'll take a step at a time to pay off this and that.. So why is it that pple with combined income of only $3k can live happily with hse and kids, yet our combined income of more than $3k seems insufficient and pale in comparison to others?

So.. Stop saying sorry if there is no action behind it. The word has become meaningless already...

Love from all around..

I really appreciate the love showered to my baby girl from my family.. As much as i worry unneccessarily, my parents and aun have been very supportive to me. They see my situation and help me as much as they can..

I know my dear is worry for me also.. For him, i must be strong and not cry so easily.. I should be a happy mother, so he can be a happpy father too..

All in the name of love to our Princess Vionna.

Heartbroken..

My dear... My poor dear is heartbroken... I can feel it in my vibes and heart that he is very upset.. I don blame him, i never blamed him at all.. What's goin on now is never what he wanted,.. All he wanted was for us all to stay together as a family..

I guess I made a mistake too.. I should not have pampered him too much.. All those pamperin resulted in our state today.. Our 'just do it' attitude caused our plight today.. Before Vionna came along, as adults we can do anything we wanted, our way without anyone to comment on anything.. But now, we are under scruntiny of my mother, aunt, his mother and his uncle..

If only we did proper planning, no one will be able to criticize how we do things.. But we were just too wild and free... My dear is used to be the king of the house.. So he need not worry abt anything but just dough. I used to help out the household chores of ironing,cookin etc.. But now that i'm doing confinement, tables are turned and I know it's not easy for him..

I know my mummy and aunt are worried abt me and Vionna, but i really love Jason for who he is.. Fillial, sometimes impatient, brash, occassional unhygiene, clever.. He's my hubby, my love, my soulmate and my everything.. Though I cannot bear to be apart from him, i know i must take care of myself for these 30 days so i can take care of him..

I love him so i must make sure my health is good to take care of him..

'feels as though like signing separation papers... Ur mummy say move over next week..'

i could really hear his voice break and heartbroken so much so that it hurts me.. I know he loves me and Vionna, but if we were to plan ahead our future, we have to bite through this stage and prove to everyone we know what we're doing..

At this point in time.. I really hope that god or some saint can make the bug disappear.. So my dear will not be so stressed...

I wish i could huddle him now.. And just tell him i love him..

My Princess Vionna

My camera-shy Vionna..
:)

Tired...

It's 4am in the mornin now.. I'm super sleepy yet i'm waking up every 15 min cos of itch... Dunno it's becos my body temperature is highest now or what but the bugs are attackin me like mad.. :(

my hands and neck alone have 20 over bites..
Now trying to cool my body temperature before tryin to sleep..

Otherwise.. It feels as though I'm playing endless melody.. Dunno why after changing cleaner bedsheet the bugs are attackin more.. Maybe cos my set was not sunned..

Somehow the queen-sized bed looks small for both of us now..

Help..

Lost..

Suddenly feel detached from my dear..
Somehow we have different views on how to bring up our daughter... U can say i'm paranoid/kiasu/whatever.. But i really want my bb girl to be of good health..

Her growing mths till she's abt 1yr old is where she build up her immunity to the environment.. I don blame anyone for the condition of my hse.. Is not what any of us wanted.. But i would really appreciate jiang gu don come into my room where bb is sleepin.. Cos.. He has bugs on him and he's not even aware.. One small mistake and the wind could blow that one bug to my darline vionna... And we'll end up with sleepless nights.. Not that i am selfish or wat.. But if he practise basic hygiene, he can carry my girl if he wants.. But he doesn't..
He lies on the floor full of bug powder, he enter my room, powder is all over my room.. :( i think i might have to resort to close the door when i away from my daughter..

Dunno if it's depression or what.. I miss the times i have with my dear.. Somehow.. With the new layout, he's hiding in the other room with his com while i'm alone with our daughter... Suddenly our love for each other like disappeared..

These days.. When i'm in the room alone, i tend to tear alot.. I dunno why also.. Just feel so alone and helpless.. Feel that i'm responsible for my girl's well being that i seriously dunno if i'm up to it. Not that i'm asking for the sky and moon for her, but all i ask for is her to grow up healthily and that is an environment that i cannot provide her now...

Help.. Who can help me?

Going crazy...

Somehow.. Being cooped up in a room is driving me crazy...
Somehow i think i might go into paranoid mode soon...
The bugs are making me on a constant alert...
The fear of them biting my darling...
Serious fear of my darling accidently swallowing them...

What would happen if she really accidentally swallows one?
*worrying like mad daily*

Worry whenever i carry her, what if there is one on me and it's becos of me that she suffers?
Hiw i wish my confinement quickly ends so i can move to bukit batok where my darling will be in better care... I don mind that i work doubly hard, nor for me to have sleepless nights... I just want my darling to grow up safe and sound...

I think i will really want to go back to bukit batok and stay till i go back to work... At least i can set my mind at ease when my darling is at my mother's place...

I hope my dear agrees to the arrangement cos he loves Vionna alot too...
I rather adults tired than anything to happen to my darling Vionna...

Help.. Who can help us?