I envy my sis.. She stay so near mummy.. Daytime can put her son, evening can pick up and go home.. But i cannot.. :(
unless i stop work for a year.. To look after her.. Haiz.. Also not feasible cos need $ to pay my insurance + allowance + house.. Need to find a job that allows me to work from home..
Was it a sign already when we did not buy blk 6? Did we miss the signals? Haiz.. How to balance makin money and having time for loved ones?
just becos it's a habit doesn't mean he can be excused.. Good habits are praised.. Bad habits to change..
Not as though i never see a top-naked man before.. But even my dad don't do that at home.. How would u feel if i changed in front of you?
I always say don talk with you mouth full, he don listen.. His teeth is shakin already.. The chances of chokin is high + the food in his mouth drops when he talk.. Attractin ants and pple steppin on his food and washed clothes havin rice grains.. :(
not that i don like him to carry my bag... But
1. I find it wrong/rude to ask an elder take my bag..
2. He goes toilet, never wash hands 8/10 times..
3. I always feel he has bedbugs cos he doesn't feel itch anymore.. And i always spot bugs on him..
U tell me level of cleanliness is different.
Yes i agree.. But why be dirty when u can be clean. Is the same idea as why be poor when u can be rich. Why behave like a garang guni when u have a good business brain?
It's like, u can be at the top level but u choose to be at basement. Haiz.. I dunno lah..
Not for me to comment..
But things seem to be happening otherwise.. Haiz.. I also dunno.. He seems nonchalent in things i say / do /ask...
He everything also say 'nvm/anything' .. How to improve the condition? I also dunno.. Sometimes.. I suspect is becos of the 'nvm/anything' that resulted in the bedbugs to spread... Haiz..
I was out of the hse for 2 days and the room is in a mess... He knows where i put the stuff but yet he just anyhow put them ... He claims i cannot look after a house.. Can he?
He is unable to let go of what is happening.. Uncle is coping better than him..
Not that i'm cruel or what.. But life goes on and memories stay in our hearts.. When u dwell negatively, u are hurting everyone around u and delaying the recovery of all.. We all know u are saddened by her departure but who isn't. What comes out of dwelling negatively? We still can talk abt her good stuff /deeds when she was with us as she is still in our hearts..
I dunno what to do as a wife already..
What i do seems wrong and sinful..
Seems that i can only be a mother & daughter for now...
Somehow unknowingly.. I feel like a single parent.. Haha.. I dunno why..
Seems that i'm always facin my baby alone..
My hubby always have different views on parenting methods with me... Plus.. He always busy workin or too tired to do anything.. Even if he's free, he'll use his com or watch tv instead of talkin to baby...
He thinks stayin home takin care of baby is easy job.. Think again.. Why not i go back work and he take care of baby..
Dunno why.. Other pple also work and earn less but still can build home and spend time with loved ones... Haiz.. Anyway, now at home also hard to rest.. Cos will get bitten by bugs.. Have to wait till dec for my new hse..
I also dunno what to do le..
Feel so sleepy but cannot sleep cos...
Closed door = privacy = sleep
closed door = no wind = cannot sleep
privacy = no wind = cannot sleep
zzz...
When everyone is just trying to help, u think they are killing u.. -_-'''
when will you think for others?
when will u learn to trust and let go?
When pple tell u do this/that, u say unneccessary.. But have u tot of the well-being of everyone? I know we will all be blessed by ah ma but we should still adhere to traditional practices as a form of respect..
Haiz.. Explain also no use..
Stuck in his own world of thinkin already..
If he don't change, no one will respect/visit him cos he is just distancing himself from everyone..
When pple tell u do this/that, u say unneccessary.. But have u tot of the well-being of everyone? I know we will all be blessed by ah ma but we should still adhere to traditional practices as a form of respect..
Haiz.. Explain also no use..
Stuck in his own world of thinkin already..
If he don't change, no one will respect/visit him cos he is just distancing himself from everyone..
Hence for her better well-being.. I have to wait till thursday afternoon then I can see her.. I miss her..
Things will be so different...
If only..
We got married and conceived earlier..
She could be a happier great grandmother carrying her great grandchild..
She could help me feed her.. Carry her.. Take care of her..
I miss her smile and presence...
(~_~)
Cos i'm locked in my own hse without any keys to open..
Seems that I'm clamming up..
Forgetting how to talk..
Forgetting how to communicate..
I only rem how to take care of my daughter..
Wash clothes..
Hang clothes..
Keep clothes..
Sweep floor..
Mop floor..
Change bedsheets..
Wash bedsheets..
Keep bedsheets..
Find bedbugs..
Kill bedbugs..
Find bedbugs..
Kill bedbugs..
Find bedbugs..
Kill bedbugs..
Find bedbugs..
Kill bedbugs..
Find bedbugs..
Kill bedbugs..
Ask me again, how am i?
I will tell you..
I'M FINE!
I look at other pple ..
They also get married..
They also have children..
They also stay with in laws..
They also have their own hse..
They have a place to call home..
I see their children with plentiful toys.. Clean house.. Bountiful space to run ard.. And i look at myself.. I only have a sleepin space for my girl.. I feel so guilty.. I feel as though i'm shortchangin her..
I have toys for her but i dare not give her for fear of harming her with bugs...
I have a living room but i dare not put her on the sofa/floor for fear of bugs biting/goin onto her..
I only have ... A bed for her..
Hope came and left.. Nothing in my power to do anything to change.. I only hear words.. I donwan to listen to anything anymore... I just feel like huggin my baby girl and migrate somewhere far from everyone.. No one understands what i'm goin thru.. There is no right time to do anything at all...
Seems that everything i ask for is wrong..
Everything i do/use is wasteful..
Everything i want is a unneccessary luxury/expense..
Everything i request is unfillial/selfish/redundant..
Then what is the aim of working/earning $?
Might as well i don work and just stick to my baby girl 24/7 and just drink milk and be slim. Then every mth just give me 100 to buy milk powder + pampers can already. Another 200 pay 水电费 can already.
I'm resigned to fate already.. I just have to live with a messy hse, cluttered space, bug-infested place for the rest of my life..
I feel so sinful giving birth to my baby girl..
I feel as though i did her wrong by conceiving her.. maybe i should ask gugu adopt her can already.. Then i no need to worry..
Who can i tell all these.. Tell my dear?
What can he do? He's caught in between also.. Tell him, he also will just worry and nothing he can do either.. Cos there is no perfect solution at all..
tell my parents?
What can they do? I chose my path and i have to walk alone..
I can only tell myself..
We can never cover all grounds/everyone's remarks..
I really dunno what will happen from henceforth.. I really dunno..
As simple as that.
FULL STOP.
But I can say you are wrong..
U think by not waking me is loving me?
That's wrong.. What u did just hurt me only.
U breached my trust and sense of security that I have for you.
U think by stretching your body limits is the way to show everyone you're the most fillial child?
U think that is what ah ma want u to do?
Think again.
I know my dear is shattered and tired of everything happening around.. Doesn't help at times when his uncle makes unneccessary comments on certain issues.. Not that I'm heartless.. But.. At solace times like this.. Silence is very much appreciated.. And not trying to be gung-ho to claim credit for all that is done. At solace times like this, you cannot stop ur siblings/elders from trying to do their last bits to help. No one is tryin to escape their duties, they are all doing their part, learning what should be done. So stop being the lone ranger and tryin to be gung-ho.
No one will give u prizes for trying to do everything. So STOP whining and accept the help given.
Everyone has their ideas to tell us how we should do this/that.. Have they ever wondered what we wanted? What i wanted?
Since everyone feels that the new hse is such a bad idea, forfeit the $5k then. Why go into the $500k debt just to 'earn money' when i don have a proper living environment. I'm cooped in the hse which everyone thinks is fine but not to me. I stay in a hse full of old furniture infested with bugs, things that cannot throw so how to create space for my children in the future?
How many times do i need to move house?
Why can't pple think for the future.. Haiz..
Seems that everyone is locked in the past, dwelling abt the present, ignoring the future..
Haiz.. There is no solution.. I just have to follow where the path goes.. Cos.. I have no power/ability to change the path.. just realised sth.. Since the day i got married.. Things has never been the same...
Just like what my dad said, i chose this path, so i just have to walk through it myself.
Blame no-one for my state but the decision i made.
Had false alarm in the morning that ah ma is leavin us that everyone was broking down.. Traumatised at the brink of death of our loved one... As the day past, she seem to get better, so we all heaved a sign of relief and started to take breaks to relax ourselves.. Her children started discussin on the post-mortem stuff to take care of...
As i touched her hands.. The swell of her fingers just made my heart wrench.. Tears just rolled automatically each time i touch her hands.. As i feel the coldness from her fingers start extending to her wrist.. I fought back tears once again for the fear she may leave us soon..
I keep prayin for angels to fetch her to the gates of heavens so she can be relieved of her suffering and look after all her descendents from above.. Everyone starts to reflect on what they have gained from grandma, her unwavering love and attention for her children and grandchildren..
Her smile..
Her endearing, friendly smile always brightens my day when I was still dating my dear..
Her chirpiness of welcoming me to her home everytime i come..
Her endless chatter of stories and her signature phrases still in my head...
And i will never forget her smile that time i brought a christmas tree over to surprise my dear.. She was happy and surprised that i brought such a tree into her house..
Though it has been so long ago.. It has been a good 7 years that i've known ah ma.. The last few years was heart-wrenching to see her become so frail and skinny.. But at least it is still comforting to see her in her room..
Now that her time is reaching the end, we did our best to stay vigil, gathered the children and grandchildren to see her before she leaves us..
It will not be easy to heal from losing a loved one.. Only time can heal our loss..
-Sidetrack-
dunno why my hands are trembling.. Maybe is cos i do too much hand-washing.. -_-'''
my baby girl is well taken care of by my mother and aunt.. And i miss her so much.. Though she makes me really busy at times with her feeds/cries/antics, I still willingly do everything for her.. Guess it's mother's love for her child.. Really wonder how i can tahan mon-fri when i go back work... Haiz.. Don work also cannot.. Work also cannot... -_-'''
better get going to sleep now...
Tmr is another long day ahead..
People just like to say and tell.. But they never use their eyes..
Can't they see that I'm the only woman at home.. Who can help me with the daily chores without carrying heavy stuff/squatting? Tell me I cannot do this/that, they will do for me meh? not that i cannot do, i'm a perfectionist virgo, when the going gets tough, the tough gets going... is just i rather they keep their thoughts to themselves..
I used to have my guiding light always switched on.. Always ready to hear/talk to me when i need him..
Now as much as i try to hold on to my guiding light... It always seem to dim and 'off'...
Hence.. I'm lost..
I donno what to do.. As much as i wan to be by our daughter 24/7, it is really rather taxing for my body.. My wound somehow started bleeding and who can i tell? Haiz.. Tell my dear, he just worry, tell my ma, she also only can worry.. So i just keep to myself..
Plans will change again cos now.. Grandma might leave us anytime.. Eversince i got married, i'm encountering change every other season... For good or bad.. I donno..
I just want a simple carefree stable life..
Is tat too much to ask?
9am - hang clothes out
9-11am - wait for Vionna wake up and shower+ feed her ( this takes an hour ++ already)
11-12noon - wash up clothes to catch the afternoon sun.
12-2pm - feed Vionna + wait for dear to have lunch Together
2-3pm - wash the bottles + sterilize + top up milk powder
3-4pm - wash toilet + clean floor + fan
4-5pm - shower + feed Vionna
5-6pm - keep + fold clothes
6pm onwards - wait for dear to come back
*the above has yet to factor in Vionna random tantrums..
My night will just be busy with pumping breastmilk, washing clothes and shower. Of course, also feeding+ changing Vionna. Apart of that, i also have to pick up after my dear... Haiz.. He too used to take things and not putting back in the original places... So i have to pick up aftfer him lor... So i find it quite funny when he ask me if i am ok or if i am tired when he sees me picking up after his stuff...
Haiz.. He also has long day lah... Working from 8 - 8/9 pm daily.. Haiz.. I just hope he take care of himself and not overtire... Cos at the end of the day! If he falls sick, it does not benefit him either...
Now i just try to go my mother's place 1-2 times a week only so he will not be worried abt me spending $$ taking taxi here and there... I also worry lah.. He everyday come back for lunch, i worry he will be ostracized by his colleagues... -_-''
At home, i hear naggings here and there about how to take care of Vionna of what i should or should not do... Irony is... He is unable to take care of himself properly and yet has all these theory... Haiz.. I hope when my new house is ready, he will learn to practise hygiene like changin at proper places and stop showing his butt crack everywhere he go, etc...
I'm not a hard person to stay with, though i must say i have some clean freak in me.. Who don't like to be clean, if the house is not kept clean, what is the difference staying in a rubbish dump? Haiz... Till then we see how again bah... I don mind doing more, sleeping less.. All i ask for respect and appreciation for the things i do and not continue doing it when you know i don't like it... just like i will not do that to you...
The excitement of having my own house is really exhilrating at the same time, fear crawls up altogether... The fear of the bugs ... Haiz... Now we are at the stage of designing, so till time comes for moving then worry again bah... -_-''
Never had good sleep for a long time le... Haha... Cos either i kena karate kick / a sudden tap / itch/ blanket drop / bolster drop then i'll wake up le... Looking forward to taiwan trip! :)
